thinking

it's such a strange thing to feel so much and yet nothing at all.

it's such a strange thing to have things be so much better and yet want to be somewhere else.

i remember walking into those towering cathedrals in europe, beautiful icons depicted in stained glass, in colored squares, in perfect marble. 

i'd sit in those pews by myself and those are the times where prayers actually meant something. in those churches older than my hometown, on the hill with the graveyard, in the auditorium on that catwalk where we made all of those promises about paper cranes to remember those gone too soon. a grave for both them and i.

when it would snow outside, we'd go into spot just outside of the auditorium and throw chicken nuggets at each other instead of studying, watched by so many photographs of the ones that came before. in the early morning, you could find stratford and i in her mom's massive car, neither of us with licenses. we'd blast music and, upon reaching the top of suncrest, don blankets like superhero capes and run down the barren road invincible, invincible, invincible. the superheroes we always wanted to be, our broken pieces fit together in a bizarre tapestry. if only we could have kept those jagged edges from drawing even more blood than there was to begin with. 

somewhere out there, i'm frozen in time. laughing, feeling, alive. no looking back. 

i keep thinking about going to therapy again. the clinical way that i'd set out my purpose for going. like reading off the ingredients of peanut butter, all those years distilled into symptoms and diagnosis. 

left wondering - does it ever mean anything at all? scraps of dust in the wind, looking ahead to the future until all that's left behind is a sea of invisible graveyards and stories left unremembered. it all meant something once. perhaps some day i'll remember the clogged drains and the strange smell of the apartment with nostalgia but for today, it's time in the wind. for today, there's only the feeling of being caught in a current, no time to be a superhero anymore. 

it's such a strange thing to have things be so much better and yet want to be somewhere else.

it's such a strange thing to feel so much and yet nothing at all.