wistful, wanting || transfiguration .5

god, i just want you to love me. 

i want late nights and dancing barefoot on the road. drives up the canyon with my feet on the dashboard and lying on my twin mattress underneath that string of cheap lights. i want to romanticize every moment, to wonder what you're thinking. I want to nervously and tenderly reach out and feel the warmth and softness of your hand in mine and the naturalness of the way they fit together. 

i want you to approach me from behind and wrap your arms around me tightly, a buffer against all of your bad dreams. stolen kisses, rich descriptions and shades of exactly how you feel and the sound of handpicked songs playing through headphones as i sit in your lap

i want you to see me, to feel that invisible halo of light and to hear the thunder of my heartbeat, far stronger than ever before and trapped in a body smaller than it's ever been.

darling. my love.

my heart is a peach cut down the center, raw and ripe and oh so soft. 

an open fruit belonging to me but given to you. 

i look at old pictures of us and it's like looking at strangers, like physical pieces of a distant dream. two people i almost recognize, phantoms of a time i can hardly place. 

tonight was the first night in a long time that i opened my computer. that i pulled up the desktop version of spotify. that i've felt the ever-growing absence of your presence and i tiptoed around my aching heart, just trying to keep it pumping still. the world is so vast and large and i'm leaving so much behind and shouldering so much hurt in pursuit of my future. i hope there will be time to rest. i hope that i stop throwing up when i get too sad. 

i keep imagining us on the beach. you're wearing your glasses, no trace of worry on your face and your lips in a very soft, very subtle smile. we're sitting in beach chairs in the sand, just close enough to the water to smell the sea spray but far enough that it won't touch us. you're looking out at the ocean and i'm looking at you. sometimes you're wearing a straw hat, sometimes you're wearing that ring on a necklace of black cord. your clothes change but your face never does. you probably wouldn't wear glasses to the beach what with all the sand but i think about it anyway, lost in a memory that belongs to a future we're not living in yet. 

patience. god keeps whispering gently. love him. be patient with him.

you are doing what's right.

i saw the other pictures, the ones from a couple of weeks ago on that warm evening. dimples enormous on my cheeks, i have a sparkler in hand that shot off stars and felt like magic, a tiny piece of joy in a broad ocean of sorrow. my grandfather told me that he was missing on me that night and something in my heart righted itself. even now i look back and there's something in me that feels found.

will you see it too? will you come home to me, to my open arms?

i would give you all you could ever want for, my darling.

tell me you're afraid. tell me you love me. tell me that's enough.

oh, how i want you to see me.

god, how i want you to love me.