suffering || transfiguration 1

 good morning, good night. i wish i could say they all blur together, but they don't. 

it's always there though. the pain. ebbing and flowing like the tide, it's a constant.

sometimes it's faint and far off and other times, it sweeps me into the crashing waves, drowning. 

drowning.

i thought things would be simpler like this. that there would be some sense of relief.

the moon is high and the waves are louder and i'm still so damn lonely.

it's the love songs that hurt the most. the sudden sensation of hope. 

you asking me what i want and telling me that eventually, it will matter.

what do i want?

what do i want?

you. 

but what does that look like? 

i won't forget when i started crying after i'd stopped clinging to you like a life raft

"i really hope you don't let me go."

i think that's what i want. 

to stop feeling so alone. 

i don't want to be alone anymore.

i want this pain to stop.

i want you. 

please don't let me go.