reverse, rebirth

i got in a scooter accident yesterday, tumbled face-first into the pavement.

this morning i woke up next to someone that's my... 'something', wrapped in nightmares and bandages. 

nothing makes much sense anymore and i'm just trying to muddle through it, saying yes to things and hoping something beautiful comes out of such a big mess.

when will it be enough? what do i even want anymore?

being apart is painful. being together is painful. all of it feels like being torn apart. 

when we're together, sometimes it feels like you're a ghost that i'm begging to stay. one that doesn't care either way whether i'm in the future or not. 

saying, "i never said i didn't love you." isn't the same as telling me that you love me. for every two steps forward, there's a small step backwards. 

it's almost 1am and i'm thinking about you again. bandaged, bruised, wounds weeping. 

left eye swollen and dark, colored by the accident and the lack of sleep. echoes of waking up screaming in my ears, you holding me tightly but perhaps that's just because you were tired and wanted me to stop.

moving was supposed to signal a new beginning. a new semester, a new future, a new career. adulthood. figuring it all out

but every time i take a step forward, it feels like i'm leaving something else behind. when i push towards him, pieces of myself get lost when he leaves and i'm left wondering. wanting.

wanting to fall in love with myself again. wanting to think of him less.  

wanting to feel loved unconditionally and missed without reason. 

how on earth do you pull yourself back together again after something like this?

how will life regain its color?

who will we be in six months?

will things finally make sense then?