fatal disconnect

i can't figure out how to write about this.


i think i've always been pretty lonely.

when i was little, i used to try and bargain with god to convince him to bring my stuffed animals to life so we could really hang out and have tea parties together.
needless to say, i don't think i was very convincing.

relationships seemed like the 'end all be all' for a long time. i was convinced that my prince would show up and sweep me off my feet and right into 'happily ever after'
it took me a long time to realize that they're pretty disappointing and princes don't really exist.

strip away that glow and they're just people who don't usually stick around too long.



there's only so much fruitless reaching out one can do before the world starts to look like a cold place to live.

there's only so long before you climb out of the bomb shelter you made in your heart only to see that the places you knew best have become a wasteland.


the weird part is that eventually,
you come to terms with the fact that the world is a wasteland and the only thing to do is move forward and scavenge what you can.


my therapist and i talk about the loneliness sometimes.
i bring it up but when i speak, it feels like there's an empty space where my words should be.
does anybody else feel that way?

(is anybody out there?)


sometimes, i'll be wandering around my house and i'll stumble into an old closet and my breath will catch and i'm stuck wondering why i'm tearing up.
for some reason, it feels like the tide is finally coming in.

(do you feel that too?)

there's no real ending to this post.
no happily ever after.
just empty space. broad wasteland. a graveyard where the wind whistles through the trees and faint footprints decorate the earth.
just know that i'm out here.

if you're feeling the same
if you're also surrounded by emptiness just know
there's someone else out here in the universe
but maybe that's just my dying hope
that i'm not all alone after all.