this might as well be written on sticky notes

hey god?
i need you to listen to me for a second.
i don't know if i'm talking to you or just the universe or myself but
hear me out?

the last month has been so weird
and i'm scared.
terrified, actually

(even though i'd never admit it in person
not really anyways)

i think it's because i think i'm happy
and whenever i've been happy in the past
the feeling got ripped away
until i finally just accepted that being actually happy might not be for me

i leave for italy on sunday
bumping into jesse hewett at the gas station was good rather than awkward
morgan's texting me again

things are so light
ebbing in and out like waves
with my toes poking out of the sand

there's a glow about everything
and it feels like the warmth on a summers day
when the heat makes you want to curl up and sleep
and you're bathed in the feeling that everything is alright.
everything is finally alright.


it's kind of funny though.
my parents are getting divorced.
still kind of given up on love
living at home tucked away upstairs.
we'll probably be moving away within a year or two

but i've never felt better.

i don't know if this is what people talked about when they mentioned 'loving yourself'
or if i just care less about what other people think
or if i'm finally able to be me.
unapologetically, wholly me.

but thanks.

thank you to fate, the universe, past choices, mr. haisch, god, all of my old best friends
thanks to the all of the insults, all the compliments, the popcorn chicken we threw at each other

the converse shoes we wrote on / the verbal battles in my car / the fact that you said you were embarrassed to be in public with me / project 'tequila' / ian, june and basil / the list of things you love about me / the first time we held hands / walking towards your house in the middle of summer beneath the bright green trees / offroading / the fact that you take photos wherever you go of the people you love / when you made me guess what your blog was

i love you guys.
all of you.
no matter what happened and when.
i wish i could throw all my feelings at you and smother you with them
(in a good way)

without all those precious moments
i wouldn't be here
i wouldn't be me 
so thank you.

so..
god
if you're listening
please let all of these people know if you can
it's so, so important they do
i certainly hope you're listening - i'm not sure if i can keep plowing forward without your help
(i'm still a bit of a mess)
but thank you.
for everything.